Derek Shanahan | My Personal Blog - Latest Comments in Being Pretty

Re: Being Pretty

T.C.M. — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 11:16:36 -0000

So- I believe myself to be a smart and creative woman, who is reasonably good looking, and an a day to day basis I go out of my way NOT to be beautiful. I do not wear makeup, I do not dress in form fitting clothing, etc. There are several reasons I choose to do this, some are 'kind of crazy' in my opinion, some are perfectly reasonable. This is not complaining as a form of bragging. Sometimes I see people bemoan how hard it is to be beautiful. That's silly. If it was really such an onerous burden one could simply get a haircut and wear clothing a size larger or two, problem solved. I think the 'woe is me I'm just too pretty' crowd either has low self esteem and is fishing for compliments, or some kind of personality disorder, but that's another topic.
Back to good reasons to reject beauty:
For one thing there is a time and money investment to maintain the trappings of beauty. I have better things to do with my time and money. Rather than preen and hope that I land (insert status achievement here) for example, a wealthy husband (who is attracted to me at first because he cares a lot about looks and then... what will happen when I grow older?) I take that mall/spa money and invest it. I feel good about myself because I know that while beauty will eventually fade, I will always be able to cover my own needs.
People make the argument that attractive people make more money in the workplace, and that justifies the investment in beauty. However, recent studies show that when you factor in the costs people put into being beautiful that the benefits do not actually put you ahead. That doesn't mean it's bad to present oneself as being beautiful if one enjoys it, just that the much touted soft impacts and social benefits are not what society would have you believe. I have other hobbies than staring into a mirror.
Other factors also go into my choice to maintain plainness. For one thing, at least in my age group , the prettier you are the more hostile other women are towards you. We put such a premium on beauty that women often feel they are somehow competing with one another. I say let them to it. I stand out and gain status in other ways, like being smart, helpful, competent, etc. I think I win in the long run because I do get recognized for my talents over time, I do not engender hostility (and the sometimes sabotage) from other women that are in my life, and my achievements are perceived by others as being real, not discounted because of my looks. I know several wonderful and beautiful women who do not get the recognition they deserve because people assume that they didn't 'really' achieve for themselves, that their success is somehow related to their looks.
Another thing is that when I am more attractive I get a lot more attention. Sometimes I don't want attention. When this happens it is nice when people are kind and give you a free coffee or whatever, but more often the people that allow themselves to act differently because of looks are not the kind of people you want paying attention to you. Let me put it this way, my boss or professor is going to be aware that I am pretty and, if they are ethical, consciously avoid preferential treatment. Also, nice guys, the kind I would want to date, are not going to be instantly going after me the moment they see me, just because of the way I look. Jerks however abound. When one is pretty (at least for me) it's common to not just get cat calls, but to occasionally get followed, to have very aggressive come-ons from men who insist on getting your number, any number of awkward and occasionally scary situations that I just don't enjoy dealing with. The attention doesn't make me feel good, it's exhausting and makes me wonder if I behaved correctly for whatever the situation was.
By opting out of the beauty race I also feel internally better. When you start to focus on beauty you can never have enough. There is always another step you could take to be better. There is always going to be that new girl at the club who's getting more attention than you (that bitch!). There's a lot of competition to distinguish oneself in the realm of beauty, if that's what you are 'good' at. How much easier to gain status from other skills! Also, I would never talk about this subject to anyone I know, but sometimes I feel like I am prettier than most other people I encounter. When those thoughts creep into my head I feel like a jerk- I feel like a bad person and that plagues my self esteem.
I am not immune from valuing beauty and enjoying looking good, it's just that focusing so much on such an ephemeral benefit seems like a waste of time at best, and a detriment to my larger sense of self, my relationship to other women and my perceived value in society and the work world.

Re: Being Pretty

T.C.M. — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 06:16:36 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

eviestewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:50:27 -0000

I think it's probably a good thing to be the best we can be inside and out. In acting, it's kind of essential, but I don't see a downside to it - as long as we don't take ourselves too seriously, right?
xo/
@EvieStewart

Re: Being Pretty

Evie Stewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:32:56 -0000

Being our best inside and out is probably a goal toward positivity in general. It's an individual interpretation of course. I can't see a downside to it (as long as we're not too hard on ourselves). In the acting profession, it's a given that we have to try to look good.

Re: Being Pretty

eviestewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:50:27 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Evie Stewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:32:56 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

eviestewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:50:27 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Evie Stewart — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:32:56 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 11:12:03 -0000

Late is good. It's better than never:)

"to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i
think it has a lot to do with it.." - I think this is poignant. Some of
this is built into our survival instinct. Not all of it, but some.

Re: Being Pretty

floreta — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:45:04 -0000

i know i know i'm late to the game but i'm one of those people that doesn't wear makeup and doesn't put a lot of effort in 'being pretty'. my twitter picture/20sb? no makeup. my friends tell me i'm a natural beauty, but i have a complicated relationship with my outward appearance and confidence. i think intellectually i know that i am attractive but emotionally, i often feel like i am not. not wearing makeup? it's a confidence issue for me. a lack of. it is showing that i don't put effort on my looks and how i present myself. also, i think dolling yourself up and things like that is something women do in competition with other women. to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i think it has a lot to do with it.. same for clothing (and esp. shoes!). so for me, not dolling myself up is kind of in reaction against that. not wanting to be one of THOSE girls, and being true to my feminism. but, it is a balance. because most days i don't feel hot at all. but, i guess i don't think "feeling hot" is a priority of mine. and with that said, i wore makeup today for the first time in a long whiiiile :D

also, it's a message you send. i hate to stereotype but i just said one of 'those' girls. well what about women who don't wear makeup? what does that 'say' about them? that they're more natural, hippie, outdoorsy? i am probably all of those things. but i live in oregon. i think oregon girls are much different than, say, california.. like i said, it's cultural, it sends out a message, and it can directly or indirectly affect your confidence.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 09:12:03 -0000

Late is good. It's better than never:)

"to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i
think it has a lot to do with it.." - I think this is poignant. Some of
this is built into our survival instinct. Not all of it, but some.

Re: Being Pretty

floretacui — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 08:45:04 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:57:07 -0000

That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:55:04 -0000

All quite good stuff. I wonder how many people take their 'prep' time and
consider it against the time they spend toning their internal beauty. It's
like when you prepare for a presentation or meeting; you kind of make
yourself up, and consider your internal checklist the way you'd get ready
for a first date. I'd argue the internal prep is far more effective, and
rewarding.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:53:26 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:43:05 -0000

That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:57:07 -0000

That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:55:04 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:53:26 -0000

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:43:05 -0000

That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.

Re: Being Pretty

Lollygagger — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:40:20 -0000

"What is my relationship with my outer beauty?" Complicated. Not so much in the fact that I'm constantly struggling with it, but in so much as there are often times when I know I shouldn't be so hard myself, yet it doesn't stop me. I think it's easy for women, or people in general, to get wrapped up in the bits and pieces of beauty or body image rather than looking at yourself as a whole person. When looking at myself as a whole, I see a strong, healthy, average woman, but then it's too easy to pick out parts of myself that I'm not happy with. Overall I tend to stay away from self-criticizing, but it inevitably creeps up time and again.

Another thing I think about often in relation to beauty or body image is the influence my mom had on me. I have never once to this day heard my mom complain about her body and I think this had such a positive effect on me. She also never criticized my appearance. I was shocked to learn that many women have had to deal with their mother's criticism and I think this has the potential to run pretty deep.

Society may reward beauty and emphasize it's importance, no doubt, but sometimes those closest to you might have a larger impact on what you deem beautiful.

Re: Being Pretty

nicoleantoinette — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:40:07 -0000

I think it's impossible to separate how we feel about our inner selves from how we feel about our outer selves, because they're both part of the entirety of "who we are."

The thing, though, is that it's much, much easier to control the outer self- and since it's technically the first thing people notice, it takes on another level of importance.

Personally, I feel most attractive when I'm at my best internally (hitting the mark intellectually, making things happen, actively pursuing that which makes me happy, being kind, helping others, being true to myself), and I think it shows. It's the glow that can't be explained, the light that comes through your skin when you're just on fire in a real way.

Do I take steps to make sure I look my best? To a degree. I don't walk out of the house wearing a trash bag, but I'm also not taking an hour to get ready. I don't know, I sort of think that life is too short to be high maintenance, and that being overly obsessive about anything (particularly your looks) can cycle out of control (like with all the people who mentioned eating disorders, etc).

I guess all of this to say that yes, I take care of myself, but more because I believe in a tangible mind/body connection than anything else. I'm not really interested in looking "perfect" for perfection's sake. Because really, does perfection even exist? And if I spend such a disproportionate amount of time focusing on it, aren't I just neglecting other parts of myself that I think matter even more?

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:15:04 -0000

Well said. Breaking the connection between the conditioned response to
looking pretty isn't easy for everyone. Maybe it comes with maturity.
Maybe it has deeper roots. I know I'm not completely free of those
connections. But I also know I draw a lot of confidence from other, more
tangible aspects of who I am.

And when I find myself undermining my self-confidence due to looks or
fitness (more common for me) I really try to check myself.

Re: Being Pretty

Derek — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:14:06 -0000

Leah - It's nice to hear someone string a rope between the self-perception
weight issue and the self-perception beauty issue as it relates to matching
societal standard for 'hotness' or 'beautiful'. It's a great problem to
have, sure, and I'm sure you feel fortunate, but it's also in a lot of cases
something you aren't specifically responsible for. As this relates to my
ex-girlfriend above, she was pursuing some responsibility for her beauty,
which I don't say in a demeaning way.

But I do know women who are naturally quite gorgeous, and it presents it's
own set of unique experiences. Some good, some bad. All human.

"I try to accent my beauty not just with mascara and gloss, but with a kind
heart and a friendly disposition."

YES.

Re: Being Pretty

sarahbration — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:46:01 -0000

Looking your best as a route to feeling empowered and confident is something that cosmetics companies and the magazines that sell them would very much like us to buy into.

I think the sense of confidence that putting on my most flattering heels and a face full of makeup gives me IS a superficial one.

It's not that I never succumb to the desire to live up to the standards of beauty set up for me by society, media etc. but I know that I don't put on mascara and suddenly become smarter, more courageous or kind. I am those things even when I'm bare-faced and scraggly-haired, and that is where my real confidence comes from.