i recently met somebody for the second time ever. he wanted me to be up early in the morning, and he wanted to hike. in nashville. in the summer. when it's hot and we're going to get sweaty and um, hi, second time ever? i'm girly and i like to be pretty. sue me. i made some comment about the hour and he offhandedly threw back a comment about the amount of time it would take me to get there and then adding five minutes. "this isn't something you need to get dolled up for."
and no, it wasn't. and i didn't go all out but i didn't skip the mascara or the concealer either. i french braided my bangs out of my face rather than using the old headbands i usually use to keep the hair out of my face when i run, and you'd better believe i put on a cute t-shirt. i'm not the girl who rolls out of bed looking like a porcelain doll, and i'm okay with that, but i've got my insecurities just like we all do, and i'd have rather he looked at me initially and thought, "seriously. told her not to doll up," and then let my witty conversation distract him from it the rest of the morning, than be insecure about it the entire time and let that affect the way we interacted.
i'm no fashionista, my nails are always chipped and uneven from playing piano and guitar, and i've been known to grocery shop in sweats sans make up of any kind, but feeling ready to conquer something-- anything-- is a little different for everyone.
i could go on all day. but i'll say one last thing, hopefully briefly.
i was teaching a group of high school choir kids last weekend, trying to get them ready for all-state choir auditions. one of their directors got up and talked about best practices for auditions. the judges will never lay eyes on them, but she told them to dress up anyway. "even you, guys," she said, eyeballing the back row, full of the tenors and basses decked out in athletic shorts and flip-flops. because feeling ready to go on the outside is the best way to feel ready to go on the inside.
even you-- i've seen you on non-work days and on work days. you dress differently. and you're your own boss. you don't have a dress code.
okay. done now. good post.
DShan
· 4 months ago
I think the idea that we're at our best when we feel good about our appearance has lots of weight. I do dress somewhat differently; especially in the face of meetings and whatnot. Of course. There's certainly value in feeling right about your appearance.
I just wonder where the lines are, especially when it comes to 'being done up' all the time.
DShan
· 4 months ago
Killer comment. I very much hope no one thinks I'm locked in the mindset that beauty is a bad thing; or dolling up isn't cool or desirable or totally normal. But I know I look at people sometimes and wonder if there's too much effort going into the look, and not enough going into the good stuff. I usually check myself, but I'm sure some people don't.
Peter
· 4 months ago
I'm at the point where the (relative) cuteness of my youth is fading, but the distinguished thing is not here yet. I have to rely on my... personality. And that's not good for anyone.
DShan
· 4 months ago
I read this last night, right after looking in the mirror, and thinking man, I'm not young anymore.
Oh well...there's always charm!
doniree
· 4 months ago
Well, you BOTH have charm going for you, that is unquestionable.
DShan
· 4 months ago
Well said. I just looked in a mirror, and I think I am right in the same sweet spot.
E.P.
· 4 months ago
I find that I am in agreement with your friend, though I'm not a girl who goes all out all the time. I mean, I'm a photographer. That's a recipe for disaster when it comes to makeup daily and wearing anything nice because of the incredible amount of time I spent outdoors. But whenever there's a special occasion, or I want to feel especially good, I will put on some makeup, pull out my nice jeans and a fancy top and enjoy the evening. And wear a really tall pair of shoes. (Because I never get to do that at work, either.) I don't know why dressing up and doing my makeup and hair does this for me, but makes me feel good about myself. And that's what matters.
Nice post! It's interesting to think about this stuff and apply it to your own life.
DShan
· 4 months ago
It is interesting, especially to hear you guys talk about your perspectives. I think on some level there's a difference between dressing up for occasion and looking perfect ALL the time. Like every day, no matter what.
I suppose I should have mentioned she was this way; there was no sweat or dirt in her plans each day:)
doniree
· 4 months ago
I NEVER get dressy for work. I don't even OWN a suit. So when the chance arises to fancy things up a little? I MILK it because it is FUN and feels GOOD to know you're one step snazzier than you were yesterday.
DShan
· 4 months ago
No doubt dressing up is quite fun, especially when it's not to make a sale or go to work.
Cait
· 4 months ago
Her point about primping as a way to feel confident and strong so that she (or any woman) could feel empowered, is valid. That is how many women view their beauty regimens. But I think you hit on a very important point in your summary:
Considering that and her particular perfectionist tendencies, and she made quite a case for someone who just wanted to accomplish what was within her ability to accomplish.
What I emphasized is that her appearance is something that she can control in a world where she otherwise has comparably little control. It is the same principle that many psychology professionals attribute as the root cause of eating disorders.
Clearly, her behavior is not manifested in a harmful or destructive way, but the underlying motivation might be quite similar.
DShan
· 4 months ago
Ah, quite well said. There is a control element, and although it doesn't have to be destructive, it could be. Nice parallel.
verybadcat
· 4 months ago
Very interesting topic to me. I'm not wearing makeup today. I used to be one of those "always made up girls", a decade ago, before I was married. My husband told me he thought I was just as beautiful without it, and so I went from being an every day make up wearer to a special occasion make up wearer. In the short month and a half since we split, I've gone right back to everyday wear. I just didn't have it in me today, woke up late and wasn't feeling it.
The thing is, you get treated differently. You can get all internal about it, and I think everyone has done a good job of covering that already. So I'll say the sad truth. I'm not wearing makeup today, and I have circles under my eyes and the remnants of a breakout healing on my chin. If my arms are full, no one will jump up from their seat to open the door for me. Should I have care trouble, it is less likely that someone will stop. If I'm in a hurry at the store, the guy in line in front of me won't offer me his place. Not to get too personal here, but I dare say that if I passed you on the street or in some other public space, you wouldn't even notice me. Most guys wouldn't.
Tomorrow, though, when I have a little more time in the morning, and hopefully higher spirits and more energy, and I take the time to put my makeup on and do something with my hair besides sweep it back into a ponytail? Men will leave their seats in the cafe to help me out the door because my arms are full. Three or four will stop to see if I need anything when I'm checking the pressure in my tires. I'll notice men watching me as I walk from the parking lot into the store.
That's what I don't think men will ever really understand, and it's kind of infuriating. You're adorable no matter what. (Men in general, that is, present company included.) I'm ignored one day and exalted the next, and the only difference is the hair and makeup. I'm still sweet, funny, intense, and intelligent. I'm the same person either way, but without that extra time and effort? I may as well not exist.
She's smart because she knows that taking care of her appearance is the only way to get the full mileage out of all of her other talents and skills. Sad but true.
DShan
· 4 months ago
All lot of what you just wrote was the meat of our conversation. I couldn't find a way to express her position in the way she presented it and you've done that. Literally jogged my memory.
And at the time, and right now, I understand. The world can open up (even just a little) and it makes it worth it. She was just diligent about it; probably due to her drive to succeed. She was tenacious at school and work and her appearance fit that persona. I just misplaced (some) of the reasons for being the way she was.
Well said, VBC.
doniree
· 4 months ago
Wow, that is insanely well-stated. I have never noticed this before, but thinking about what you've written? ABSOLUTELY true. There are days I'm a shadow, and there are days I KNOW men notice. And the difference? The second-day hair vs. I-just-spent-quality-time-with-a-flatiron... or wearing your least fave pants because they're the first thing you could find vs. pulling yourself together with an extra 20 minutes or so.
I hate even admitting that, but yeah. You kind of nailed something here.
DShan
· 4 months ago
It's very true. It happens to us men too, don't forget. Less often, but it does.
Ben
· 4 months ago
Right. So I've come to post a comment on this post five times now and have deleted every single one. Then I sat on this one for a while, much like a post I've written that I've been largely too afraid to publish.
After a few years of starving myself to live up to unrealistic numbers on a scale - yes, those sort of things can develop in guys too - I don't think I'm even qualified to comment on the importance of looks and beauty given my admittedly skewed perspective on the matter. But having not been able to see anything close to an accurate representation of myself in mirrors or reflections since I turned twelve, I fight a constant battle between taking measures to try to make myself feel like I look okay and trying to push those thoughts out of my head for fear of going backwards to unhealthier habits.
It's hard to figure out how to dress, how much to work out, what clothes to wear when you have no real sense of your true body type or shape. Beauty comes from within sure - that's a no brainer. But relying purely on your internal happiness is hard enough without trying to repress the confusion and doubt that happens when every look in the mirror becomes a question of: is that what I look like or is this still all in my head?
Renee
· 4 months ago
Ben, this is actually a syndrome called body dysmorphia and, truly, I believe everyone suffers from a mild case from it. I know that when I look in the mirror, I immediately see the chubbiness around my belly button and to me it looks like the size of Saturn's rings. But to everyone else? Shit, they probably don't even notice.
One of my old profs wrote a book on the phenomenon of women striving to look their best but never quite grasping what their best is... or, rather, their best is actually an unattainable goal. I took the class she taught on it and have casually studied body image issues since high school. And the fact that I still struggle with how I look after eight or so years of studying this problem? Really pisses me off.
Derek, sure it feels good to look good but in all honesty, you only look good if you feel good. So being high maintenence is basically shit, in my humble opinion, because you'll never achieve the fabled physical perfection. Get over yourself and learn to love your SELF.
Ben
· 4 months ago
Very interesting...I actually am putting a full post up about my weight issues next week. I'll be interested in hearing your take on it.
Amen. I hope it was clear that I was commenting on someone who was very, very perfecty. She knew this, was self-aware, and her defense of it was interesting because we all have these issues to some degree.
DShan
· 4 months ago
I love this, btw...I'm glad you came back and wrote it.
I go through something pretty similar. I came from a professional athletics environment. I was in incredible shape for a very long time; I ate well, I lived and breathed fitness. It will never, ever leave me, but the lifestyle isn't possible anymore. It totally affects my self-image. I am a pretty laid back guy but I think have that "if I can I should" keep myself fit and able. I know I feel better when I do.
I go through the "what do I really look like?" thing. Often.
Tristan || the a.r.w.
· 4 months ago
Like Ben, I believe that my perspective is also skewed. I have a hard time seeing myself clearly and the way I feel about my appearance changes according to my mood, my hormones, what I've had to eat that day, etc. It's all a self-destructive cycle, full of self-doubt and insecurity mixed with the rare feeling of that allusive thing called confidence.
I suffered from eating disorders for years, and still find myself subject to that train of thought. But, I'm learning to find my way through it all, and have been for some time.
Confidence and insecurity are, for me, very much tied into my appearance and how people perceive me, despite the fact that I cannot perceive myself clearly.
I'd like to believe, as I once did, that outer beauty is subjective, depending on the person. I'd also like to believe that an "inner beauty" can really MAKE an "outer beauty." Nevertheless, I find myself worrying about such things way too much, even in my continual steps towards progress.
I've realized that this plagues both men and women, but I somehow still believe that women suffer more deeply than men. It's a significant issue, a seemingly infinite one, and one that affects more people than we often realize.
DShan
· 4 months ago
First of all, this is an incredibly open and forthcoming comment. I'm honored to have it on my blog.
I can tell you've thought about this, and having gone through tangible disorders I can imagine you have a real relationship with the mindsets at every stage of self-appreciation. I said above we all have these issues to some degree, but I think you're right that it's harder for woman, and for those of us who slip further in one direction (the destructive direction) I think the struggle is tougher than for people like me.
I think I posted about my relationship with a girl and her eating disorder, so I'll have to dig that up, but it was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life.
robinleathers
· 4 months ago
I think the importance of beauty to women is clear, unambiguous. I am in a better mood when I look my best. I'm in a sour mood when my hair is frizzy and my skin is bland. This is how it is, how it will continue to be. It's important to know that this is important, whether we like it or not.
But, I think the problem lies in when this person thinks that looks and beauty are ALWAYS involved in "feeling your best". Job interview? Sure. First date? Sure. Waking up in the morning next to someone you've been with for 5 years? C'mon now. I think it's very important to be able to differentiate between when looking your best and feeling your best are highly correlated, vs. when they really shouldn't affect each other at all.
DShan
· 4 months ago
I find it so interesting that so many women mention their skin in these comments. I never think about my skin, ever. Maybe I should:)
But yes, your last point is very well stated. Killer.
kylaroma
· 4 months ago
I remember being a little girl and being told "You're beautiful!" over and over. My mom was progressive. She bought Reviving Ophelia and took notes, we didn't have a TV, when I bought fashion magazines we counted the ads and then the content and talked about what that ratio meant. But in junior high after moving schools...5 times through my parents divorce I was chubby, flat chested, and didn't wear makeup. And didn't know about TV shows. And had really long hair. And guess what? I had no friends.
When I got into high school I was given a 'makeover' by a girl who wanted to be friends with me if I would change how I looked (SO CREEPY) but I was dying for friends so I cut my hair, I lost some weight, and started cheerleading. Suddenly people were friendlier. A light went on in my head- being pretty was a pretty good stand in for my self worth. And about 20 mins later I developed an eating disorder. (Roughly, it could have been 35 mins)
Through out my life the lesson has been the same. If you're pretty, people will care. If I wear a skirt and heels I literally wouldn't have to hit the crosswalk button to cross a six lane intersection by my old work. If I'm wearing flats, jeans and a hoodie I am at risk of being killed by oncoming traffic. It took a lot of work for me to pull past that when I was coming into my 20's but I now I dress how I like and I wear whatever makeup I like, but it's just for me. My happiness and my heart are what are important to my well being- and I'm glad I've separated how I look from how worthwhile I am. But for girls I think it's trickier than you would think.
DShan
· 4 months ago
Gosh, you have such a way with words:) I know it's tougher for women; especially early on. I think it's pretty great you turned the inertia on its head and see the destructive side of all this for what it was, and preserved yourself. Took control. Re-prioritized.
More and more I'm thinking about the women in my life on this; one in particular grew up without TV too. Was very protected from all that. She happened to be pretty darn gorgeous, but was awkward for a while (Cha-rule in my Cast of Characters). Her inner confidence is palpable now, and I think that upbringing is related.
Carly
· 4 months ago
I like this post, it is a topic that I don't see too often, and when I do it often feels like folks are just being whiny. It sounds like you had a very meaningful, thoughtful conversation on the issue. From my perspective, I'd have to agree with the commenters who are saying that it is important not to base all of your self worth on your outer appearance. But, we do indeed live in a society where you can be judged on your appearance whether you place much importance on it or not. In the world of women and fashion it feels like a constant underlying game of one-ups-(wo)manship
For me, getting dressed up doesn't always have the same "boosting" effect. The past two years, I worked in an office with an extremely lax dress code - we could wear jeans any old day of the week and pj's if we were really feeling lazy. Being that it was New York, I couldn't justify leaving the house with pj's, but I almost always felt more comfortable wearing jeans and a nice top. And while I love fashion and cute clothes just as much as the next girl, I simply just couldn't afford to spend the money to keep up with the styles. A few other co-workers, however, dressed to the 9's every day at work. I always wondered if they felt overdressed. I found that on days where I did dress up, sometimes I would feel on top of the world - but sometimes it made me feel like I stood out in an unpleasant way. I could be wearing my best outfit, but see someone much more couture on the subway and be jealous. Or, worse, I would feel guilty passing by any of the countless homeless people on the sidewalk, and think how ridiculous I must look to them.
DShan
· 4 months ago
Haha, all great points. I know personally I reached a point, maybe two years ago, where I got comfortable in a suit. It's like crossing a bridge, and you never go back, so even now I don't wear them often, but I never feel overdressed. For years, I was always very conscious.
I think to that note, overdressing has a threshold to get over, and then you kind of dig it? I dunno.
lfar
· 4 months ago
FANTASTIC POST.
Look, I support all women in the way they want to understand and express what it means to be female. I'm pro-choice in all areas of life! But... one thing I have trouble with is understanding why women wear make up.
I've read all the comments and I feel like I really gained perspective, but I think I just see it differently. Maybe it all started because I went to an all girls high school where nobody ever wore makeup, and there were no boys to impress. I didn't even start shaving my legs until I left high school! (Hey, remember how heated that 20sb debate got on why women shave legs?)
Here's what I think it comes down to: lots of women defending their decision to wear make up by citing how messed up society is. The world expects it of women! I'm respected less if I don't! Etc!
I think women are taught not only to want to fix their imperfections, but to consider them imperfections at all. Oh, your lash-lengthed lashes, and teeth-coloured teeth? GOOD HEAVENS! Get on that!
That said, I do wear mascara to job interviews, and eye shadow to weddings, and etc. So I'm totally being a hypocrite, I know. I'm just trying to advocate against the industry.
Even though your friend had a slightly better explanation for why she always dressed to the 9's, in my mind, it's still a fairly empty explanation. "I dress this way because I like it. It makes me feel empowered. I know it gives me an edge in life."
You like dressing that way, because that's how you've been told to dress by centuries of social programming. It makes you feel empowered, it gives you an edge, because our society places an irrational importance on beauty--particularly for women. You like it, you defend it, you do not view it as victimizing because you have conformed and have not suffered as a result of your failing. And a large part of why you haven't failed probably has, to some extent, to do with being born attractive and into a financial situation where you could maintain . Lucky you.
I say this as a girl who is pretty, thin and has the financial means to keep up her appearance in a way that is socially acceptable. I do, occasionally, dress in ways that are socially acceptable. I do my hair and make-up. I pluck my eyebrows. I wear fashionable, flattering clothing. Sometimes it is for professional purposes: as a woman, I am expected to do a certain amount of maintenance in order to look professional and to be accepted by my colleagues as worth listening to and valuing. Sometimes it is for attracting a mate: I know that men are more willing to approach me and talk to me if I look a certain way. Sometimes I do it because it does feel good to know I have society's approval.
That being said, it is hard to defend the culture itself that promotes these standards, because I do see them as a part of the broader problem of patriarchal oppression. The focus on female beauty, and on maintaining that beauty, is on making yourself a pretty play thing--an accessory--for men. It has, for centuries, been a way of women to get a "leg up" on other women, particularly in finding and keeping a mate, when their other qualities were not important or valued. It is about woman-on-woman competition and about reducing women to their most superficial qualities, largely for the pleasure of men. Moreover, lack of beauty in women often draws ridicule. Women are policed into conforming to beauty standards because failure to conform can be unbelievably painful, all the more so because we have been told our entire lives that beauty is something we all SHOULD be.
I am well aware that for me, my attractiveness is a privilege as much as my white skin or the class I was born into. I am reluctant to pursue the beauty ideals because I see how much they hurt the women who fail to achieve them. I'm not just talking about hurt feelings, either. It can keep them from getting jobs, getting raises at the same rate that I do. It *is* a problem. I can't help but think your friend's defense of the issue is a rather one-sided argument.
Kate
· 4 months ago
I'm one of those girls. I spend 20 minutes a day on my (short) hair. I *never* leave the house without makeup on. I rarely wear pants of any kind, and I don't really have any jeans-to-hang-around-in.... And here's why: If I don't look my best, I don't feel good about myself. And if I don't feel good about myself, I don't interact with anyone positively. I go through the day feeling icky, and that shows in every way.
My friends call me high maintenance. I say I just have high standards for myself, and what do they care? If I am high maintenance, I don't expect anyone to maintain me but me. If it makes me feel good, who's to judge?
But here's the most important thing: When I go through my morning ritual, I don't go about the process of getting pretty, or beautiful. I'm always pretty and beautiful. Anyone who doesn't agree doesn't matter. No, I'm going through the process of looking my best. Then I go about my day, and the process of *being* my best. I don't really accept anything less from myself than my best, in every respect that I can control (which is really not that much in this world, is it?).
Leah
· 4 months ago
Many people have discussed a moment when they first realized they were "fat" or "chubby" and went on to develop an eating disorder. Well, I have never struggled with my weight, it is usually the last thing on my mind (thank you, metabolism). I do, however, have a similar experience with beauty. The first time I realized I was considered an "attractive" female I was 13. In about a day I had gone from awkward pre-pubescent to a beautiful girl, and someone commented to my Mom that I was "stunningly beautiful." My Mom made the mistake of telling me that, and from that day forward started my self-consciousness with my beauty. Everywhere I walk, whether it was down the high school halls or at work today, I think to myself "Am I beautiful today?" or "Okay that person lookd at me approvingly, or checked me out as I walked by so they must think I'm pretty, but what about the person coming up? Will they think I'm pretty?" I am constantly struggling with other people's perceptions of beauty, and their judgements of me. I have to remind myself that they don't matter, and deep down, I know that they don't matter. I am 5'10", 125 lbs green eyes, blonde and yes, traditionally, I am "beautiful." But I know that none of that really matters. I can meet someone who at first sight is gorgeous, but not really a good and kind person. All of a sudden, this person is no longer attractive to me. And most definitely vice versa. I try to accent my beauty not just with mascara and gloss, but with a kind heart and a friendly disposition.
DShan
· 3 months ago
Leah - It's nice to hear someone string a rope between the self-perception weight issue and the self-perception beauty issue as it relates to matching societal standard for 'hotness' or 'beautiful'. It's a great problem to have, sure, and I'm sure you feel fortunate, but it's also in a lot of cases something you aren't specifically responsible for. As this relates to my ex-girlfriend above, she was pursuing some responsibility for her beauty, which I don't say in a demeaning way.
But I do know women who are naturally quite gorgeous, and it presents it's own set of unique experiences. Some good, some bad. All human.
"I try to accent my beauty not just with mascara and gloss, but with a kind heart and a friendly disposition."
YES.
sarahbration
· 3 months ago
Looking your best as a route to feeling empowered and confident is something that cosmetics companies and the magazines that sell them would very much like us to buy into.
I think the sense of confidence that putting on my most flattering heels and a face full of makeup gives me IS a superficial one.
It's not that I never succumb to the desire to live up to the standards of beauty set up for me by society, media etc. but I know that I don't put on mascara and suddenly become smarter, more courageous or kind. I am those things even when I'm bare-faced and scraggly-haired, and that is where my real confidence comes from.
DShan
· 3 months ago
Well said. Breaking the connection between the conditioned response to looking pretty isn't easy for everyone. Maybe it comes with maturity. Maybe it has deeper roots. I know I'm not completely free of those connections. But I also know I draw a lot of confidence from other, more tangible aspects of who I am.
And when I find myself undermining my self-confidence due to looks or fitness (more common for me) I really try to check myself.
nicoleantoinette
· 3 months ago
I think it's impossible to separate how we feel about our inner selves from how we feel about our outer selves, because they're both part of the entirety of "who we are."
The thing, though, is that it's much, much easier to control the outer self- and since it's technically the first thing people notice, it takes on another level of importance.
Personally, I feel most attractive when I'm at my best internally (hitting the mark intellectually, making things happen, actively pursuing that which makes me happy, being kind, helping others, being true to myself), and I think it shows. It's the glow that can't be explained, the light that comes through your skin when you're just on fire in a real way.
Do I take steps to make sure I look my best? To a degree. I don't walk out of the house wearing a trash bag, but I'm also not taking an hour to get ready. I don't know, I sort of think that life is too short to be high maintenance, and that being overly obsessive about anything (particularly your looks) can cycle out of control (like with all the people who mentioned eating disorders, etc).
I guess all of this to say that yes, I take care of myself, but more because I believe in a tangible mind/body connection than anything else. I'm not really interested in looking "perfect" for perfection's sake. Because really, does perfection even exist? And if I spend such a disproportionate amount of time focusing on it, aren't I just neglecting other parts of myself that I think matter even more?
DShan
· 3 months ago
All quite good stuff. I wonder how many people take their 'prep' time and consider it against the time they spend toning their internal beauty. It's like when you prepare for a presentation or meeting; you kind of make yourself up, and consider your internal checklist the way you'd get ready for a first date. I'd argue the internal prep is far more effective, and rewarding.
DShan
· 3 months ago
All quite good stuff. I wonder how many people take their 'prep' time and consider it against the time they spend toning their internal beauty. It's like when you prepare for a presentation or meeting; you kind of make yourself up, and consider your internal checklist the way you'd get ready for a first date. I'd argue the internal prep is far more effective, and rewarding.
Lollygagger
· 3 months ago
"What is my relationship with my outer beauty?" Complicated. Not so much in the fact that I'm constantly struggling with it, but in so much as there are often times when I know I shouldn't be so hard myself, yet it doesn't stop me. I think it's easy for women, or people in general, to get wrapped up in the bits and pieces of beauty or body image rather than looking at yourself as a whole person. When looking at myself as a whole, I see a strong, healthy, average woman, but then it's too easy to pick out parts of myself that I'm not happy with. Overall I tend to stay away from self-criticizing, but it inevitably creeps up time and again.
Another thing I think about often in relation to beauty or body image is the influence my mom had on me. I have never once to this day heard my mom complain about her body and I think this had such a positive effect on me. She also never criticized my appearance. I was shocked to learn that many women have had to deal with their mother's criticism and I think this has the potential to run pretty deep.
Society may reward beauty and emphasize it's importance, no doubt, but sometimes those closest to you might have a larger impact on what you deem beautiful.
DShan
· 3 months ago
That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.
DShan
· 3 months ago
That's really insightful. The inner circle probably has a lot more influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.
floreta
· 3 months ago
i know i know i'm late to the game but i'm one of those people that doesn't wear makeup and doesn't put a lot of effort in 'being pretty'. my twitter picture/20sb? no makeup. my friends tell me i'm a natural beauty, but i have a complicated relationship with my outward appearance and confidence. i think intellectually i know that i am attractive but emotionally, i often feel like i am not. not wearing makeup? it's a confidence issue for me. a lack of. it is showing that i don't put effort on my looks and how i present myself. also, i think dolling yourself up and things like that is something women do in competition with other women. to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i think it has a lot to do with it.. same for clothing (and esp. shoes!). so for me, not dolling myself up is kind of in reaction against that. not wanting to be one of THOSE girls, and being true to my feminism. but, it is a balance. because most days i don't feel hot at all. but, i guess i don't think "feeling hot" is a priority of mine. and with that said, i wore makeup today for the first time in a long whiiiile :D
also, it's a message you send. i hate to stereotype but i just said one of 'those' girls. well what about women who don't wear makeup? what does that 'say' about them? that they're more natural, hippie, outdoorsy? i am probably all of those things. but i live in oregon. i think oregon girls are much different than, say, california.. like i said, it's cultural, it sends out a message, and it can directly or indirectly affect your confidence.
DShan
· 3 months ago
Late is good. It's better than never:)
"to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i think it has a lot to do with it.." - I think this is poignant. Some of this is built into our survival instinct. Not all of it, but some.
Evie Stewart
· 1 month ago
Being our best inside and out is probably a goal toward positivity in general. It's an individual interpretation of course. I can't see a downside to it (as long as we're not too hard on ourselves). In the acting profession, it's a given that we have to try to look good.
eviestewart
· 1 month ago
I think it's probably a good thing to be the best we can be inside and out. In acting, it's kind of essential, but I don't see a downside to it - as long as we don't take ourselves too seriously, right? xo/ @EvieStewart
All Comments
and no, it wasn't. and i didn't go all out but i didn't skip the mascara or the concealer either. i french braided my bangs out of my face rather than using the old headbands i usually use to keep the hair out of my face when i run, and you'd better believe i put on a cute t-shirt. i'm not the girl who rolls out of bed looking like a porcelain doll, and i'm okay with that, but i've got my insecurities just like we all do, and i'd have rather he looked at me initially and thought, "seriously. told her not to doll up," and then let my witty conversation distract him from it the rest of the morning, than be insecure about it the entire time and let that affect the way we interacted.
i'm no fashionista, my nails are always chipped and uneven from playing piano and guitar, and i've been known to grocery shop in sweats sans make up of any kind, but feeling ready to conquer something-- anything-- is a little different for everyone.
i could go on all day. but i'll say one last thing, hopefully briefly.
i was teaching a group of high school choir kids last weekend, trying to get them ready for all-state choir auditions. one of their directors got up and talked about best practices for auditions. the judges will never lay eyes on them, but she told them to dress up anyway. "even you, guys," she said, eyeballing the back row, full of the tenors and basses decked out in athletic shorts and flip-flops. because feeling ready to go on the outside is the best way to feel ready to go on the inside.
even you-- i've seen you on non-work days and on work days. you dress differently. and you're your own boss. you don't have a dress code.
okay. done now.
good post.
I just wonder where the lines are, especially when it comes to 'being done up' all the time.
that beauty is a bad thing; or dolling up isn't cool or desirable or
totally normal. But I know I look at people sometimes and wonder if
there's too much effort going into the look, and not enough going into the
good stuff. I usually check myself, but I'm sure some people don't.
Oh well...there's always charm!
sweet spot.
Nice post! It's interesting to think about this stuff and apply it to your own life.
I suppose I should have mentioned she was this way; there was no sweat or dirt in her plans each day:)
Considering that and her particular perfectionist tendencies, and she made quite a case for someone who just wanted to accomplish what was within her ability to accomplish.
What I emphasized is that her appearance is something that she can control in a world where she otherwise has comparably little control. It is the same principle that many psychology professionals attribute as the root cause of eating disorders.
Clearly, her behavior is not manifested in a harmful or destructive way, but the underlying motivation might be quite similar.
The thing is, you get treated differently. You can get all internal about it, and I think everyone has done a good job of covering that already. So I'll say the sad truth. I'm not wearing makeup today, and I have circles under my eyes and the remnants of a breakout healing on my chin. If my arms are full, no one will jump up from their seat to open the door for me. Should I have care trouble, it is less likely that someone will stop. If I'm in a hurry at the store, the guy in line in front of me won't offer me his place. Not to get too personal here, but I dare say that if I passed you on the street or in some other public space, you wouldn't even notice me. Most guys wouldn't.
Tomorrow, though, when I have a little more time in the morning, and hopefully higher spirits and more energy, and I take the time to put my makeup on and do something with my hair besides sweep it back into a ponytail? Men will leave their seats in the cafe to help me out the door because my arms are full. Three or four will stop to see if I need anything when I'm checking the pressure in my tires. I'll notice men watching me as I walk from the parking lot into the store.
That's what I don't think men will ever really understand, and it's kind of infuriating. You're adorable no matter what. (Men in general, that is, present company included.) I'm ignored one day and exalted the next, and the only difference is the hair and makeup. I'm still sweet, funny, intense, and intelligent. I'm the same person either way, but without that extra time and effort? I may as well not exist.
She's smart because she knows that taking care of her appearance is the only way to get the full mileage out of all of her other talents and skills. Sad but true.
And at the time, and right now, I understand. The world can open up (even just a little) and it makes it worth it. She was just diligent about it; probably due to her drive to succeed. She was tenacious at school and work and her appearance fit that persona. I just misplaced (some) of the reasons for being the way she was.
Well said, VBC.
I hate even admitting that, but yeah. You kind of nailed something here.
After a few years of starving myself to live up to unrealistic numbers on a scale - yes, those sort of things can develop in guys too - I don't think I'm even qualified to comment on the importance of looks and beauty given my admittedly skewed perspective on the matter. But having not been able to see anything close to an accurate representation of myself in mirrors or reflections since I turned twelve, I fight a constant battle between taking measures to try to make myself feel like I look okay and trying to push those thoughts out of my head for fear of going backwards to unhealthier habits.
It's hard to figure out how to dress, how much to work out, what clothes to wear when you have no real sense of your true body type or shape. Beauty comes from within sure - that's a no brainer. But relying purely on your internal happiness is hard enough without trying to repress the confusion and doubt that happens when every look in the mirror becomes a question of: is that what I look like or is this still all in my head?
One of my old profs wrote a book on the phenomenon of women striving to look their best but never quite grasping what their best is... or, rather, their best is actually an unattainable goal. I took the class she taught on it and have casually studied body image issues since high school. And the fact that I still struggle with how I look after eight or so years of studying this problem? Really pisses me off.
Derek, sure it feels good to look good but in all honesty, you only look good if you feel good. So being high maintenence is basically shit, in my humble opinion, because you'll never achieve the fabled physical perfection. Get over yourself and learn to love your SELF.
http://www.noordinaryrollercoaster.com/2009/08/...
I go through something pretty similar. I came from a professional athletics environment. I was in incredible shape for a very long time; I ate well, I lived and breathed fitness. It will never, ever leave me, but the lifestyle isn't possible anymore. It totally affects my self-image. I am a pretty laid back guy but I think have that "if I can I should" keep myself fit and able. I know I feel better when I do.
I go through the "what do I really look like?" thing. Often.
I suffered from eating disorders for years, and still find myself subject to that train of thought. But, I'm learning to find my way through it all, and have been for some time.
Confidence and insecurity are, for me, very much tied into my appearance and how people perceive me, despite the fact that I cannot perceive myself clearly.
I'd like to believe, as I once did, that outer beauty is subjective, depending on the person. I'd also like to believe that an "inner beauty" can really MAKE an "outer beauty." Nevertheless, I find myself worrying about such things way too much, even in my continual steps towards progress.
I've realized that this plagues both men and women, but I somehow still believe that women suffer more deeply than men. It's a significant issue, a seemingly infinite one, and one that affects more people than we often realize.
I can tell you've thought about this, and having gone through tangible disorders I can imagine you have a real relationship with the mindsets at every stage of self-appreciation. I said above we all have these issues to some degree, but I think you're right that it's harder for woman, and for those of us who slip further in one direction (the destructive direction) I think the struggle is tougher than for people like me.
I think I posted about my relationship with a girl and her eating disorder, so I'll have to dig that up, but it was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life.
But, I think the problem lies in when this person thinks that looks and beauty are ALWAYS involved in "feeling your best". Job interview? Sure. First date? Sure. Waking up in the morning next to someone you've been with for 5 years? C'mon now. I think it's very important to be able to differentiate between when looking your best and feeling your best are highly correlated, vs. when they really shouldn't affect each other at all.
But yes, your last point is very well stated. Killer.
When I got into high school I was given a 'makeover' by a girl who wanted to be friends with me if I would change how I looked (SO CREEPY) but I was dying for friends so I cut my hair, I lost some weight, and started cheerleading. Suddenly people were friendlier. A light went on in my head- being pretty was a pretty good stand in for my self worth. And about 20 mins later I developed an eating disorder. (Roughly, it could have been 35 mins)
Through out my life the lesson has been the same. If you're pretty, people will care. If I wear a skirt and heels I literally wouldn't have to hit the crosswalk button to cross a six lane intersection by my old work. If I'm wearing flats, jeans and a hoodie I am at risk of being killed by oncoming traffic. It took a lot of work for me to pull past that when I was coming into my 20's but I now I dress how I like and I wear whatever makeup I like, but it's just for me. My happiness and my heart are what are important to my well being- and I'm glad I've separated how I look from how worthwhile I am. But for girls I think it's trickier than you would think.
More and more I'm thinking about the women in my life on this; one in particular grew up without TV too. Was very protected from all that. She happened to be pretty darn gorgeous, but was awkward for a while (Cha-rule in my Cast of Characters). Her inner confidence is palpable now, and I think that upbringing is related.
For me, getting dressed up doesn't always have the same "boosting" effect. The past two years, I worked in an office with an extremely lax dress code - we could wear jeans any old day of the week and pj's if we were really feeling lazy. Being that it was New York, I couldn't justify leaving the house with pj's, but I almost always felt more comfortable wearing jeans and a nice top. And while I love fashion and cute clothes just as much as the next girl, I simply just couldn't afford to spend the money to keep up with the styles. A few other co-workers, however, dressed to the 9's every day at work. I always wondered if they felt overdressed. I found that on days where I did dress up, sometimes I would feel on top of the world - but sometimes it made me feel like I stood out in an unpleasant way. I could be wearing my best outfit, but see someone much more couture on the subway and be jealous. Or, worse, I would feel guilty passing by any of the countless homeless people on the sidewalk, and think how ridiculous I must look to them.
I think to that note, overdressing has a threshold to get over, and then you kind of dig it? I dunno.
Look, I support all women in the way they want to understand and express what it means to be female. I'm pro-choice in all areas of life! But... one thing I have trouble with is understanding why women wear make up.
I've read all the comments and I feel like I really gained perspective, but I think I just see it differently. Maybe it all started because I went to an all girls high school where nobody ever wore makeup, and there were no boys to impress. I didn't even start shaving my legs until I left high school! (Hey, remember how heated that 20sb debate got on why women shave legs?)
Here's what I think it comes down to: lots of women defending their decision to wear make up by citing how messed up society is. The world expects it of women! I'm respected less if I don't! Etc!
I think women are taught not only to want to fix their imperfections, but to consider them imperfections at all. Oh, your lash-lengthed lashes, and teeth-coloured teeth? GOOD HEAVENS! Get on that!
That said, I do wear mascara to job interviews, and eye shadow to weddings, and etc. So I'm totally being a hypocrite, I know. I'm just trying to advocate against the industry.
An INCREDIBLE post on what an imperfection is.
You like dressing that way, because that's how you've been told to dress by centuries of social programming. It makes you feel empowered, it gives you an edge, because our society places an irrational importance on beauty--particularly for women. You like it, you defend it, you do not view it as victimizing because you have conformed and have not suffered as a result of your failing. And a large part of why you haven't failed probably has, to some extent, to do with being born attractive and into a financial situation where you could maintain . Lucky you.
I say this as a girl who is pretty, thin and has the financial means to keep up her appearance in a way that is socially acceptable. I do, occasionally, dress in ways that are socially acceptable. I do my hair and make-up. I pluck my eyebrows. I wear fashionable, flattering clothing. Sometimes it is for professional purposes: as a woman, I am expected to do a certain amount of maintenance in order to look professional and to be accepted by my colleagues as worth listening to and valuing. Sometimes it is for attracting a mate: I know that men are more willing to approach me and talk to me if I look a certain way. Sometimes I do it because it does feel good to know I have society's approval.
That being said, it is hard to defend the culture itself that promotes these standards, because I do see them as a part of the broader problem of patriarchal oppression. The focus on female beauty, and on maintaining that beauty, is on making yourself a pretty play thing--an accessory--for men. It has, for centuries, been a way of women to get a "leg up" on other women, particularly in finding and keeping a mate, when their other qualities were not important or valued. It is about woman-on-woman competition and about reducing women to their most superficial qualities, largely for the pleasure of men. Moreover, lack of beauty in women often draws ridicule. Women are policed into conforming to beauty standards because failure to conform can be unbelievably painful, all the more so because we have been told our entire lives that beauty is something we all SHOULD be.
I am well aware that for me, my attractiveness is a privilege as much as my white skin or the class I was born into. I am reluctant to pursue the beauty ideals because I see how much they hurt the women who fail to achieve them. I'm not just talking about hurt feelings, either. It can keep them from getting jobs, getting raises at the same rate that I do. It *is* a problem. I can't help but think your friend's defense of the issue is a rather one-sided argument.
My friends call me high maintenance. I say I just have high standards for myself, and what do they care? If I am high maintenance, I don't expect anyone to maintain me but me. If it makes me feel good, who's to judge?
But here's the most important thing: When I go through my morning ritual, I don't go about the process of getting pretty, or beautiful. I'm always pretty and beautiful. Anyone who doesn't agree doesn't matter. No, I'm going through the process of looking my best. Then I go about my day, and the process of *being* my best. I don't really accept anything less from myself than my best, in every respect that I can control (which is really not that much in this world, is it?).
weight issue and the self-perception beauty issue as it relates to matching
societal standard for 'hotness' or 'beautiful'. It's a great problem to
have, sure, and I'm sure you feel fortunate, but it's also in a lot of cases
something you aren't specifically responsible for. As this relates to my
ex-girlfriend above, she was pursuing some responsibility for her beauty,
which I don't say in a demeaning way.
But I do know women who are naturally quite gorgeous, and it presents it's
own set of unique experiences. Some good, some bad. All human.
"I try to accent my beauty not just with mascara and gloss, but with a kind
heart and a friendly disposition."
YES.
I think the sense of confidence that putting on my most flattering heels and a face full of makeup gives me IS a superficial one.
It's not that I never succumb to the desire to live up to the standards of beauty set up for me by society, media etc. but I know that I don't put on mascara and suddenly become smarter, more courageous or kind. I am those things even when I'm bare-faced and scraggly-haired, and that is where my real confidence comes from.
looking pretty isn't easy for everyone. Maybe it comes with maturity.
Maybe it has deeper roots. I know I'm not completely free of those
connections. But I also know I draw a lot of confidence from other, more
tangible aspects of who I am.
And when I find myself undermining my self-confidence due to looks or
fitness (more common for me) I really try to check myself.
The thing, though, is that it's much, much easier to control the outer self- and since it's technically the first thing people notice, it takes on another level of importance.
Personally, I feel most attractive when I'm at my best internally (hitting the mark intellectually, making things happen, actively pursuing that which makes me happy, being kind, helping others, being true to myself), and I think it shows. It's the glow that can't be explained, the light that comes through your skin when you're just on fire in a real way.
Do I take steps to make sure I look my best? To a degree. I don't walk out of the house wearing a trash bag, but I'm also not taking an hour to get ready. I don't know, I sort of think that life is too short to be high maintenance, and that being overly obsessive about anything (particularly your looks) can cycle out of control (like with all the people who mentioned eating disorders, etc).
I guess all of this to say that yes, I take care of myself, but more because I believe in a tangible mind/body connection than anything else. I'm not really interested in looking "perfect" for perfection's sake. Because really, does perfection even exist? And if I spend such a disproportionate amount of time focusing on it, aren't I just neglecting other parts of myself that I think matter even more?
consider it against the time they spend toning their internal beauty. It's
like when you prepare for a presentation or meeting; you kind of make
yourself up, and consider your internal checklist the way you'd get ready
for a first date. I'd argue the internal prep is far more effective, and
rewarding.
consider it against the time they spend toning their internal beauty. It's
like when you prepare for a presentation or meeting; you kind of make
yourself up, and consider your internal checklist the way you'd get ready
for a first date. I'd argue the internal prep is far more effective, and
rewarding.
Another thing I think about often in relation to beauty or body image is the influence my mom had on me. I have never once to this day heard my mom complain about her body and I think this had such a positive effect on me. She also never criticized my appearance. I was shocked to learn that many women have had to deal with their mother's criticism and I think this has the potential to run pretty deep.
Society may reward beauty and emphasize it's importance, no doubt, but sometimes those closest to you might have a larger impact on what you deem beautiful.
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.
influence than we're always aware. That's something I think third parties
probably can see FOR you before than you might yourself.
also, it's a message you send. i hate to stereotype but i just said one of 'those' girls. well what about women who don't wear makeup? what does that 'say' about them? that they're more natural, hippie, outdoorsy? i am probably all of those things. but i live in oregon. i think oregon girls are much different than, say, california.. like i said, it's cultural, it sends out a message, and it can directly or indirectly affect your confidence.
"to feel maybe on an 'equal' playing field. it could be subconscious, but i
think it has a lot to do with it.." - I think this is poignant. Some of
this is built into our survival instinct. Not all of it, but some.
xo/
@EvieStewart